I’m exhausted

I’m exhausted from so much. 

I’m exhausted from school

I’m exhausted from musical

I’m exhausted from being a good friend

I’m exhausted from pretending like things are ok

I’m exhausted from trying to fight my depression

I’m exhausted from over thinking everything

I’m exhausted from denying my feelings and my fears

I’m exhausted from trying not to hurt people I care about. 

And when I get like this, so tired and depressed and lost and empty I don’t know what to do. If this were last week I’d cut but I threw my razor away. I told myself I wouldn’t let that happen anymore. That I have the power to get rid of the things that I use to hurt myself. 

I’m my own worst enemy when I’m in my head, so I have to constantly be doing things, I have to constantly be exhausted or I’ll hate myself. The worst part is how paranoid I become and how I think everything is going to fall to shit.

But then I think about what Brett told me. I think about crying on him in his car as he drove me home, I think about how it felt to tell him that he was being like Evan. I think about telling him how I never want to go through that again and how he said I should never have to go through it and how I should never have gone through it in the first place. How he said I was with Evan then, but that I’m with him now. I remember him telling me to trust him, and that he promised me he would never be like Evan. And I remember thinking “But you keep the promise anyway, that’s what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.” 

I’m so tired. 

And the one thing I want won’t answer my texts. 

I need sleep. 

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